And On Tonight's Show
by beege
Summary: Kaji hosts his own talk show and he seems hellbent on embarrassing every major character in Eva. Trouble ensues. Chapter 4 up. Misato and Kaji come to an . . . understanding.
1. Penpen Gets an Unpleasant Surprise

Disclaimer: Eva is obviously not my property, is obviously the property of Gainax, who could obviously sue me if I didn't include this disclaimer ( obviously ).

Personal disclaimer: This is a humour/parody fic and should not be considered representative of my opinion of the characters of NGE in any way, shape or form ( if nothing else does that should tip you off that this is a fairly twisted little story ).

Warning: OOC-ness, general bad taste, making fun of more or less everything in Eva. Don't say I didn't.

Author's notes : I know, I know, another Eva talkshow fic. Hadn't seen any of them when I started this and after I had I decided this was sufficiently different to be finished and published. Their names are the wrong way round because Kaji's show is based in America so first name/last name the English language way.

And On Tonight's Show – Penpen Gets an Unpleasant Surprise

Pen-pen plops himself down on Misato Katsuragi's beer stain splattered couch with a cold can of Yebisu clutched in one flipper and the remote in the other. The major and both of her charges have some NERV related business to attend to that has taken them out of the country for a few days and the warm water penguin is determined to make the most out of the resultant calm. While the loss of the boy's cooking is a shame the combined absence of one drunkard and one banshee is more than adequate compensation. Contemplating his good fortune while channel surfing Pen-pen almost misses the familiar face that appears briefly as the screen flickers from one station to the next. He pauses, shakes his beak in disbelief, then decides to backtrack anyway. Just to be absolutely certain.

One channel, two, three . . .

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Under normal circumstances penguins are flightless birds but pen-pen elevates a good metre and a half into the air while letting out a screech of intermingles shock and horror as he finds that he was not mistaken the first time.

Shinji Ikari.

On TV.

Specifically . . .

The Ryouji Kaji show.

Pen-pen brings his flippers up to cover his eyes and begins to sink down into the couch in horror as Kaji bounds up onto the stage and announces the show's topic.

"And on tonight's show; I'm dating the clone of my dead mother that my father created to further his evil machiavellian schemes while he does it with the daughter of the woman he cheated on her with!"

Sitting behind Kaji in a row are, in order :

An inscrutable Gendou Ikari ( in the Gendou position, naturally ).

A slightly nervous Ritsuko Akagi.

A very nervous and furiously blushing and also cringing Shinji Ikari (the nervousness is from being on tv, the blush is because Rei is all over him and the cringing is, as usual, to do with Asuka).

A smugly and coquettishly smiling Rei Ayanami, said smile presumably resulting from her being very glompily glomped on Shinji's left arm.

A somewhat frazzled looking Misato Katsuragi. It is uncertain as to whether her stressed appearance has more to do with the current situation or the fact that a burly, female, security guard has invited Misato back to her place after the show. Probably a bit of both.

And last but certainly not least (not within earshot of her at any rate) is a brow furrowing, eyes narrowing, jaw clenching, hands even more clenching Asuka Langley Sohryu.

Beyond the young Miss Langley are three empty chairs that remain as yet unnoticed by the aforementioned individuals. Pen-pen however, whose stomach is starting to feel like the event horizon of a black hole, has an insidious suspicion as to who will later be filling those seats. On screen, Kaji is busily digging his own grave with an excavator.

"Tonight's show is really going to be something! We've got some seriously screwed up guests with some Everest sized psychoses," Kaji announces with glee, as Shinji's cringing twists his spine to a degree that promises the possibility of a successful career as a contortionist should NERV no longer require his services and Asuka gives Kaji a glare that would loosen Darth Vader's bowels. Kaji remains blissfully unaware.

"We're expecting some serious trouble tonight so not only de we have twice the usual number of on set security guards but as a special precaution they're all armed with mimiature replicas of the Lance of Longinus." At this juncture the camera zooms in on a guard wielding a menacing expression and a Lance ripoff about two metres long.

The audience makes appreciative noises.

Rei looks disgruntled.

Asuka eyes the mini-lances with a speculative glint in her eye.

Gendou is a little po'ed about the security leak but it doesn't show on his face.

"Meet Shinji Ikari," Kaji continues smoothly, "a fourteen year old boy with an Oedipus complex that's almost as large as the giant purple biomechanical construct that he pilots."

"Hey tha-"

"Juuuuuuuuuuusssssssst kidding," Kaji hastily adds, his self preservation instinct triggered not by Shinji's strangled protests but by Rei Ayanami's blood coloured glare.

"Sitting next to him is Rei Ayanami, a half and half clone of his mother and the mother of humanity, so either way you look at it Freud would have a field day!"

Rei's AT field flickers menacingly into existence at this juncture but several guards raise their port-a-lances threateningly and she is forced to subside.

Kaji, meanwhile, continues to make deadly enemies at the same speed Elvis ate hamburgers. "Also present are Shinji's father, Gendou Ikari, well known for his megalomaniacal tendencies, child abandoning tendencies, nefarious plotting tendencies, giant purple robot constructing tendencies-"

"That was mostly Yui's thing," the megalomaniac in question quietly interjects

"-and scoring-with-the-really-hot-chick-who-I-wanted-for-myself-the-bastard tenden . . ." Kaji trails off as he realizes the Fuyutsuki Kouzou has hijacked the teleprompter. Several lance wielding guards make their way towards NERV's soon-to-be-ex sub commander as he stands up and starts bawling Gendou out over his taste in women, while Ritsuko's face turns the same colour as Unit 2.

The following scene has been removed out of respect for poor Kouzou who has already hideously embarrassed himself on live national TV and doesn't deserve to have salt rubbed into the wounds to his pride.

Wiping his brow with an exaggerated gesture Kaji turns back to the camera. "Well, because of that little incident I'm afraid you'll have to wait to meet the rest of our guests until after this commercial break. See you soon for more fun prying into other people's disturbing private lives on – The Ryouji Kaji Show!"


	2. What The Hell Happened During The Break!

And On Tonight's Show – What The Hell Happened During The Break!?

The chirpy, ever so slightly sleazy music that plays as the camera pans over the set of 'The Ryouji Kaji Show' is out of place with the set's somewhat battered appearance. Actually, battered is putting it nicely. The set looks like Godzilla has been break dancing on it, while drunk.

There are several possible reasons for the damage:

Perhaps the Spanish Inquisition dropped in for a quick chat and a spot of mayhem.

Kaji may have hired a new interior decorator who only recently made a career transition from industrial demolition and still gets the two confused occasionally.

An intensely localized hurricane is atmospherically unlikely but would certainly explain the damage.

Kensuke might even have finally managed to hack into NERV's security systems before deciding to visit his friend Shinji when he took Unit 00 out for a joyride.

Or maybe Asuka threw a minor hissy fit and Rei was briefly annoyed about something. That's the most likely explanation and is, in fact, pretty much what happened.

A large portion of the lighting rig has collapsed onto the centre of the stage (right where Kaji would've been standing, funnily enough, but that's probably just a coincidence). It brought various spotlights down with it when it fell, some of which exploded or caused small electrical spot fires as their power cables tore loose. Curiously, several other quite large pieces of lighting equipment have also fallen off the rig by themselves and the pattern of their impacts happens to form a trail that leads right to the door of Kaji's emergency escape hatch, sorry 'personal exit'. Kaji, who would probably be safer injecting himself with Ebola than hosting the show (or would at least be ensured of a cleaner death than anything he might receive at the hands of Asuka and Rei) evidently found some new way in which to irk Miss Ayanami, which resulted in her putting her AT field to a fairly creative new use.

In addition to this there are several small holes in the floor, along with one rather larger one in a wall, courtesy of one Asuka Langley Sorhyu (who else). The small holes are from where she tried to stamp on the foot of a security guard who got 'fresh' (he said hello) and missed, and the one in the wall was caused when she finally caught him and drop-kicked the poor S.O.B through the aforementioned wall.

The ceiling sports a surprisingly attractive pattern of 9mm bullet holes, caused by Misato firing her sidearm into the ceiling to warn off another frisky security guard. That guard, along with several others, had to be replaced during the break. Misato's admirer was dragged off while murdering 'Lady in Red' (Misato is wearing her NERV ops jacket) at the top of a voice rougher than industrial strength sandpaper. She was later charged with substance abuse. Another travelled to a new postcode (in Australia) via Asuka's right foot and a third was carried out on a stretcher while moaning "OH GOD NOT THOSE GLASSES! PLEASE, ANYTHING BUT THE GLASSES!!!!" but no one feels very sorry for him. What kind of an idiot challenges Gendou to a staring contest anyway?

Other than that though, everything is fine – if your definition of fine is that the apocalypse probably won't happen before the next ad break because Asuka and Rei don't want to mess their hair up while the cameras are running. Oh, and Shinji is curled up underneath his seat muttering, "the horror, the horror," but that's okay, he's always doing that. Audience casualties, incidentally, have been quite surprising – none. Specifying that all audience volunteers should be screened for quick reaction times, Rincewind like levels of self-preservation instinct and a healthy ability to duck is perhaps the sole semi-intelligent decision of Kaji's soon-to-be- painfully-but-probably-fortunately-for-everyone-else-cut-short life.

So if Kaji looks just a little strained, and if that trademark bounce up to the stage looks just a little less sprightly than usual, it's understandable. Especially since he's just found out that he has voided his life insurance by baiting the 1st and 2nd children, which qualifies as 'culpable disrespect for one's own health and wellbeing' under the terms of the contract. You have to wonder what the man is on as he announces "Welcome back to The Kaji Ryouji Show!" in a voice as chirpily vibrant as ever.

DiscWorld reference.


	3. Keep That ! Away From My Shinji!

And On Tonight's Show - Keep That #%& Away From My Shinji!

"Welcome back to the Kaji Ryouji show! We had to cut the introductions just a teensy bit short last time -" Kaji's grin never slips as he nimbly dodges sideways to avoid a falling lump of plaster in the middle of his spiel "because of technical difficulties but we're back and unscathed, ready to bring you more high quality filth!" Unfortunately for Kaji, his scenario is starting to come unstuck.

They are the best mercenaries money can buy, armed with the most sophisticated black market weaponry available. Assigned to guard a highly volatile and dangerous cargo they are beginning to have serious fears for their safety.

THUNK!

Immured in an underground bunker left over from the paranoia of the Cold War which and recently been purchased by a private consortium - whose purposes for it are far more sinister - these crack killers surround a specially constructed containment unit.

THUNK!

Built from a ceramic compound adapted from the armour used on Main Battle Tanks, interspersed with multiple layers of carbon fibre, one might reasonably expect that there is very little on earth that could escape from it.

THUNK!

Unfortunately for someone the container's contents did not by any stretch of the imagination originate on earth.

THUNK! THUNK! THUNK!

With an unholy shriek of tortured metal the container literally disintegrates as its inhabitant bursts free. Automatic weapons fire mixes with manic giggling and screams of pure, unbridled terror in a hideous cacophony of noise. When it is over all that is left are shards of metal from the container embedded in the bunker walls and a group of twelve men who will spend the rest of their lives in institutions, dribbling into their mashed vegetables.

"Uh, sir? We have a problem."

"Not now!" hisses Kaji at the assistant tugging persistently at his sleeve, "I'm in the middle of the damn show!"

"Trouble, Kaji-kun?" enquires Misato in a voice like a honey-coated stiletto.

"Not at all, not at all," is his gritted reply.

"But sir -" comes the wailed reply "- it's . . ."

Exactly what the unknown assistant was going to say will be forever lost in the mists of time, although the words 'too late' would have been undeniably appropriate.

With a whoosh of displaced air a grayish blur streaks into the studio. It charges through the audience, its passage marked by overturned chairs and cries of disturbed outrage from men who will later have some trouble sitting down, for reasons it is better not to dwell on. A sufficiently astute observer might notice that it seems to be headed directly for Shinji Ikari. Rei has certainly noticed.

Precisely what happened next will never be entirely resolved. Despite the entire incident being captured on tape from half a dozen different camera angles experts will disagree for years afterwards on what exactly happened, spawning at least five books and untold conspiracy theories. What is known for certain (after the footage was slowed down a hundred times and digitally enhanced) is this:

Rei moves to stand in front of Shinji with the controlled fury, power and speed of a lioness.

The as yet unidentified blur comes straight at her.

All hell breaks loose, for roughly the twenty-seventh time so far in the last minute.

Shinji, Rei and the unknown force become tangled up in a chaotic, swirling mass of appendages. Occasional flashes of blue and grey are briefly visible in the melee, from which thuds, screams, two thrown chairs and one highly suspicious groan (or moan, it's hard to be sure) all issue. When the confusion is finally over the explanation for these bizarre events is suddenly, startlingly, disturbingly apparent:

Kaji's first surprise guest is Kaworu Nagisa.

Rei's expression is difficult to describe, so for lack of a term that more accurately conveys the mind numbingly horrifying fury on her face . . .

Rei looks pissed off.

Seriously pissed off.

Royally pissed off.

Put it this way: Based on Rei's expression, Kaworu's life expectancy is so short that mathematicians haven't yet developed a unit of time small enough to accurately measure it. Kaworu is too busy feeling Shinji up - in a fashion that, at the very least, is a little too unsubtle for national TV - to notice. Shinji seems to be trying to work out whether he should be enjoying himself or not when the question is answered for him by Rei picking Kaworu up by his belt and shirt collar before throwing him onto the floor, WWF style (she's a closet fan).

"What the hell is this freak doing here?"

Kaji makes a desperate attempt to salvage something from the situation (not that he has a popsicle's chance in you-know-where at this point, but when you host a show like this 'eternal optimist' is part of the job description) by announcing "Ladies and Gentlemen our first special guest has arrived! Meet Kaworu Nagisa, pilot, philosopher, openly gay -"

"Openly perverse, you mean," Asuka interjects.

Kaji is about to prove that he didn't hear that by continuing on in still- blissful ignorance, but he never gets the chance.

"YOU STILL HAVEN'T ANSWERED MY QUESTION!!!!!!!!!!!"

Guess who?

About to display his terminal stupidity for the last time by responding to this with something about ratings and performance related bonuses Kaji's life is saved by Kaworu's unwittingly provided distraction.

"You perverted FREAK!"

That was Asuka, in case you hadn't guessed.

"I was only trying to get a hand up."

Kaworu is doing his best to placate Asuka, but it's hard to make bambi eyes when your irises are the colour of tomatoes.

"It wasn't my hand you were reaching for!"

This highly cliché (and thoroughly in-character) exchange of slurs is distracting Rei from deciding on which method of torture she's going to use on Kaji, so she feels compelled to put an end to their argument first. She stands up and makes a weird swirly gesture that involves waving both arms around while attempting to dislocate her pelvis (this last part of the manoeuvre being rather obviously for Shinji's benefit). Regardless of the fact that she looks a lot like Misato the time she tried to do the Hustler after a dozen cans of Yebisu Rei somehow manages to get her AT field to produce twin bolts of ice that freeze Asuka and Kaworu in place.

That thud you can hear in the background is Kihl Lorenz falling off his chair in shock. Gendo would've too, but his position locks him in place.

At the Aida household:

"Y'know Kensuke, maybe showing Ayanami how to play Mortal Kombat wasn't such a good idea after all."

"As long as she only uses the moves on The Demon Bitch Goddess From Hell, who cares?"

"Huh. Good point."

Rei, meanwhile, is standing over Asuka and looking contemplative. This, clearly, Is Not A Good Thing. Even scarier though is the way in which she has begun to speak like a Bond villain in one of the cheesier movies.

"So," (Ominous Pause) "second," (Ominous Pause) "at last I have you at my mercy," (OP). "After I have cut your strings," (OP) "we shall see who the real doll is!" (OP). At this point Rei should be giving an evil, echoing laugh, but she's still working up to that. The Geofront wasn't built in a day, after all.

"NO REI DON'T!"

This time it's Shinji doing the yelling. A Shinji who, incidentally, is about to be closely interrogated by Rei for his interruption.

"Is there something you're not telling me Shinji-kun?"

If Rei sounded scary before she's taking it to a whole new level now. Gendo and his glasses have nothing on THAT tone of voice. Shinji, taking note of this, demonstrates that the human instinct for survival is powerful enough to overcome even his antipathy.

"If-you-kill-her-you'll-be-charged-with-murder-and-be-sent-to-jail-and-I'll- never-see-you-again-and-Idon't-want-that-to-happen!"

The credibility of this romantic assertion is somewhat undermined by Shinji's deer-in-Misato's-headlights expression, but as Rei is about to demonstrate love really is blind. With a swiftness that suggests serious instability Rei shifts from uber-creepy to uber-kawaii.

"Isn't my Shin-chan a sweetie!" Rei declares in a voice that would send even the cutest bunny rabbit or newborn puppy running for the insulin as she executes an eight-foot standing jump to land in Shinji's lap. The males in the audience experience a sudden of unity as they silently but simultaneously urge Shinji to run as far and as fast from this plugsuit clad maniac as possible - no matter how cute her blue hair is.

_This whole talk show idea was the biggest mistake of my life_, Kaji thinks. _I should have started my own wrestling league and gotten them to compete in that_.

Noticing that the way Rei is looking at Shinji suggests she's about to do something that will force him into a later (and lower rated) timeslot he desperately signals his crew to cut to a commercial break, without even jumping up to do his spiel.

_What was I thinking? If I'd gone with the wrestling I could have stayed outside the ring_, Kaji berates himself as he sinks back down into a puddle of sweat large enough to irrigate most of Egypt.

More after the break folks!


	4. The Great Make Up and its Unforeseen Con...

And On Tonight's Show - The Great Make-up and Its Unforeseen Consequences

The opening music is playing and the cameras are panning the audience as "The Kaji Ryouji Show" comes back after its latest commercial break. But something, or rather someone, is missing. The show's intrepid (if questionably sane) host, the infamous Mr Kaji, is nowhere to be seen.

But wait.

Listen.

Hear that?

He may be out of sight, but he certainly isn't out of mind - primarily because he isn't out of earshot of the audience.

"Oh! OH . . . MY . . . GOD! Don't stop . . . Misato . . . OH GOD!"

Kaji's guests, meanwhile, are sitting in their accustomed positions with rather strained expressions on their faces. One gets the impression that they've been listening to this for quite some time - and heartily wish they hadn't had to.

Except for Asuka, that is, who has just realised that Kaji's about to get caught with his pants down (literally) on national TV. She's snickering and giggling at the same time.

Scary.

"I can't believe she fell for that chat-up line," Shinji says, shaking his head ruefully at his guardian's lack of decency, common sense, foresight, responsibility . . . you get the idea.

"This is Misato we're talking about Shinji," Ritsuko observes. "When Kaji told her that the money he was earning from all this," Ritsuko gestures around the studio with a shudder, "would be enough to pay for a lifetime's supply of hard liquor she was putty in his hands."

"And many other things besides, it would seem," observes Rei in her usual cool monotone (Rei knows how to be expressive now, but she's learnt that sometimes she can get very interesting reactions out of people - especially her Shin-chan - by saying outrageous things very calmly. She doesn't understand why this is, but it sure is FUN). General face-faulting ensues.

The face-faulting continues as a background prop that has begun to shake suspiciously in time with Kaji's gasps suddenly gives up and collapses forward, sending the two people who were standing - well, more or less standing - behind it sprawling in a tangle of limbs and other body parts that is not entirely suitable for the timeslot in which Kaji's show is being aired.

Asuka falls out of her seat laughing while Kaworu stands on his seat and applauds their flexibility (and most of the male members of the audience follow his lead).

Back in Japan, Pen-Pen is caught by surprise and is unable to raise his flippers to cover his eyes in time, but sighs in relief as he realises that some technician has been quick witted enough to make the entire image fuzzy. He lowers his flippers and despite the obscured image on the screen he can guess at what's going on by the sound of the audience's laughter and cries of encouragement, as well as Misato's cursing and Kaji's stammered explanations. Then the show mercifully cuts to a premature commercial break.

If that quick witted technician had been a little more knowledgeable about the interpersonal relationships Kaji's current set of guests have carried with them, he might have realised the wisdom of simply cutting immediately to commercials. If he had then Makoto Hyuga, who has been watching the broadcast on the Geofront's tactical display, would never have snapped the way he did.

"My Misato-chan . . . MY MISATO-CHAN! . . . MY MISATO-CHAN WITH THAT BASTARD!"

Shigeru's off at a karaoke club and it's Maya's day off, so Makoto is acting-commander in charge of NERV. That includes the Geofront, the EVA's, section two and all of NERV's other resources. He's currently staring into space with eyes that have begun to glow in a manner reminiscent of Unit-01 and muttering to himself.

"Die . . . die die die . . . blood . . . dismemberment . . . heehee . . . drop Unit-01 on him! Teeheehee . . . N2 mine . . . bwahahaha!"

Anyone else think that Kaji's insurance premiums are about to skyrocket?

Back on the set the commercial break has brought Kaji and Misato precious minutes to attempt to scrape together the remnants of their dignity. When you've been busted having a quickie on national TV this is a futile exercise, but hope springs eternal, as the expression goes. It doesn't help that Kaji is trying to unstick his zipper in front of a couple of hundred audience members. Fortunately (depending on your perspective) they seem to regard it as some kind of slightly lewd floor show. Kaji, along with almost everyone else, is too preoccupied with his own difficulties to notice that Asuka has passed out from oxygen deprivation caused by laughing like a madwoman for the past five minutes straight. It's somehow not surprising that Kaworu would be the first to realise that Asuka is incapacitated and seek to take advantage.

"She needs CPR!" he exclaims, and promptly leaps to provide Asuka with the medical assistance he believes she needs. A moment later it's Kaworu who needs medical assistance, courtesy of Asuka's knee in his groin.

"Fascinating," Ritsuko observes, the scientist in her temporarily overriding the embarrassed part of her psyche, "it would seem that her subconscious has the ability to recognise and respond to threats even while she is unconscious, with no loss of reaction time or accuracy."

"In other words, one little freak got what he deserved at the hands, or rather knees, of another little freak."

Silence falls as Kaji's guests turn to regard this new and rather vicious sounding addition to their private hell. See if you can guess who it is by their reactions:

Kaji is scanning the audience to see what they make of the new arrival. Unfortunately for him, most of them don't know who she is.

Misato looks a little unnerved.

Ritsuko looks a lot unnerved after getting as close as a person can to a spit-take when they're not in the process of drinking something.

Gendo has revealed that he has a second expression in addition to inscrutable: shifty.

Shinji just looks nonplussed, while Asuka and Kaworu, being unconscious, don't do much of anything.

But it is Rei's reaction which is most notable. Her eyes flare and her posture stiffens slightly as she turns to stare the newcomer straight in the eye.

"Old hag . . ." she hisses under her breath.

To . . . Be . . . Continued . . . (Hopefully a little more quickly than usual.)

Author's notes

I am a bad, bad person. This has been sitting on my hard drive for months because I was too lazy to post it. But I've been completing a lot of work recently so I figured it was time I got around to it. It's filler, but it sets things up for the next couple of chapters and the big climax (it'll be messy, I promise).


End file.
